BLACK ENVELOPES by Jordan Krall (C) 2007
	On Monday, my ear came in the mail.     Someone had sent it to me sealed in a black envelope. Because it was just a simple envelope I wondered why the post office didn’t notice that it was a bit squishy and wet. It was indeed processed through the post office (and not just dropped in my mailbox) because it had a postmark on it albeit one too faint to provide any clues as to the sender.     When I opened it up I first thought the ear was a fake one. Wouldn’t that be anyone’s reaction? Hey look, the old rubber ear gag! I chuckled and put the envelope down.     I turned around and there was my cat, meowing out of one side of it’s mouth. It was a weird sound, not his usual bellowing. Something was weird about the sound. I was about the chuckle when my hand went to the right side of my head and felt around. What the fuck? My ear was missing and so I put two and two together and found that someone had taken my ear and mailed it back to me.     In a black envelope.     Jesus Christ, you could imagine my shock. I was somewhat relieved that my cat wasn’t actually talking out of one side of its mouth (that’s be pretty weird) but also somewhat worried about the ear situation. Despite this, I stayed pretty calm and proceeded to look through the rest of the mail. Water bill. Phone bill. Letter from Uncle Henry. Bill for HEAD OF DAVID quarterly (I damn near forget about that one. That’ s what I get for checking off the “BILL ME” box).     And so I went through the rest of my day as usual. _     When Tuesday rolled around, I was in an okay mood. I woke up and opened up a can of tuna fish for my cat. The smell usually bothered me but on that day, I didn’t mind it. In fact, I couldn’t smell it. What the hell..? I ran to the bathroom, afraid to touch my face. I looked in the mirror.     My nose was gone.     It was only nine in the morning but I rushed out to the mailbox anyway. The mail hadn’t gotten there yet so I had a set on the steps, covering my nose (okay, the place on my face formally known as my nose) so that passersby wouldn’t stop in shock and awe at the man without a nose.     Three hours later the mail came. The mailman didn’t seem to be in a good mood as he handed me over my stuff. As I went to grab it, I realized that I left my disfigurement uncovered. We looked eyes or rather, his eyes locked onto the place where my nose used to be. His eyes bugged out of his head. “What happened to your fa-” he said but before he could finish I rushed back into my house, gripping tightly my mail to my chest.     Just as I expected: another black envelope. My nose was inside, no big surprise there. I looked down at it, the pathetic, bulbous mass clogged pores, flesh and blackheads. This is what people saw when they looked at me? Good riddance. I threw the envelope on the kitchen table.     I barely heard my cat meow behind me. I could live with one ear but no less than that, I told myself. I spent the entire night in bed clutching my good (only) ear. My cat sat on the edge of my bed staring at me and occasionally meowing. Most of the time it sounded like a muffled cat-whimper but a couple of times I could have sworn it said, “What the fuck is wrong with you, dude?” _     I must have dozed off because when morning came, I was completely deaf.     To add insult to yet more injury, I overslept. It was noon. I ran to the mailbox though I dreaded what I’ d find. Lo and behold.     A black envelope.     I didn’t even open this one, but instead threw it against the wall as if that would do any good.     It was Wednesday and I was deaf. Or hearing-impaired I guess but I don’t know the difference. Is there a difference? Regardless I can’t hear shit. I slap myself in the head a few times but can’t even hear that familiar echo. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.     My cat is up on the table staring at me. He meows but, shit, I can’t hear him. I read its little cat lips and I could swear it’s mouthing, “Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude?” _     On Thursday I woke up deaf and possessing no sense of smell. From my bed I could see that my cat took a shit on the rug. In the kitchen I find his litter box overflowing. During the senseless couple of days, I neglected to clean it. Son of a bitch, I can’t even take care of my cat!     Disgusted with myself, I went into the bathroom and grabbed my toothbrush. I squeezed toothpaste onto it and stuck it into my mouth and proceeded to brush my…     Empty mouth.     Motherfucker! My teeth!     I threw the toothbrush in the garbage and wait for the mail. Again.     When it arrives, I’m not shocked when I find another black envelope containing all of my teeth. Sure, I’ ve had plenty of cavities and the teeth were on their way to becoming yellow but they were my teeth. I missed them.     I spent the rest of the day trying to make it up to my cat for my neglecting to take care of it. After a few hours, everything seemed alright considering. _     The next morning I woke up feeling okay. After all that had happened I was pretty much expecting anything. So I made myself breakfast (a high protein shake sucked through a straw) and waited for the mail.     When it arrived I saw it stuck between more junk mail. I opened it up and actually gasped at what I saw.     My penis.     How could I have missed it? Then I realized that indeed, I hadn’t gone to the bathroom or even scratched my crotch the entire morning. Then I took a closer look.     It wasn’t my penis.     Oh, my penis was missing alright but the one in the envelope was definitely not mine. Jesus Christ. The sheer size of it made me embarrassed.     Shocked and sort of disgusted, I sat on my front steps. At that point I didn’t care who saw me in my current state. I had someone’s penis in my hand, wrapped in a black envelope.     A short while later a car drove up to my house. A man got out and stumbled over to me. His nose and ears were missing. As he opened his mouth I could see that he was as teeth-deficient as I was.     He held something in his hand. It was a penis. My penis.     “Aye dink dis is yerse,” he said through his empty mouth. Well, actually that’s what I imagined he’d said. Lacking ears, I really don’t know for sure. I realized then that deaf people could go through life making their own closed-captions for the world. It was really neat.     He walked over and we stood in front of each other. We nodded and exchanged envelopes. The man got back into his car and drove away.     I went back into my house, dug around in the trash for my toothbrush, and then proceeded to use it to clean my penis while I whistled. I’m not sure if there’s any sound coming out of my mouth but it sure feels good when I do it.                                                    the end