LYRICS (courtesy of Don Howland)
	ALBUM: -When My Blue Moon Turns Red Again (In The Red) all lyrics by Don Howland      I SAW BEAUTY I saw beauty and sat her down on my knee I found her bitter and I cursed her And I armed myself up against justice Down by the river, all littered with shit That's where I first saw her And the book into which she writ Quality Tireco - that's where I work She come in there on Saturday And she thought that I looked like a jerk Her notebook was filled with verbiage obscene Pornography and poetry And everything in between He bent down to kiss her but he kicked her instead First one in the solar plexus Second one in the head Dear, when my blue moon turns red again I will search the starts for you And my prayers to you I will send      PLATFORM BLUES Standing on the platform waiting for the midnight train It ain't been through here in about twenty years And I don't think that it's coming again But there's nothing for me here -that's clear- Except a lot of bananas and pain Sorry about that coffee table, baby, Sorry about that stain (Chorus) I hate to be the one who's got to bring you all this bad news at once It's just that all these women, man, they play me like I'm some kinda dunce Ride your pony, baby, and I'll ride mine In opposite directions; we may reconverge in time You said we had a good thing I think it was more life of crime I got to readjust my thinking to Pacific time This ain't no front, cunt - I want you in my rear-view mirror Once I quite to drinking all this whiskey and beer I got a crazy feeling that my guardian angel is near He had an 8x10 glossy of you- He told me to steer clear      BORN TO DIE I called off work today I said I was sick, but they know I lied I called off work last week I'm a dick - I said you died (Chorus) I've got a weak foundation I've got a fear of castration I've got a beer that's got no carbonation, baby, I couldn't drink it if I tried The moon last Saturday had your face I swear I saw it wink I tried to shoot it out of the sky I missed - I guess I blinked Its true we are born to die T'is but expanding thought So says a sign etched in mind In a graveyard, crudely wrought      COCKROACH BLUES I went to buy some Southern Comfort at the liquor store I saw a big cockroach crawling the floor I said, "Hey, what's your name?" but it kept on walking I said, "Motherfuck, don't you here me talking?" So I walked right over and stepped on his back I heard his guts splat right after the crack (Chorus) I hate roaches (x3) But I think that I would rather have roaches than rats The biggest roach I ever seen was when I lived down South I woke up from a dream with a shoe in my mouth Except this shoe had six legs and it was eating my tongue I thought, "I'm too old to die but I'm not too young" So I reached for my hammer and cracked him in the ass He got out of my mouth; I got out of there fast (Chorus) People always ask me why I feel so strongly I ask them, "Hey, man - you got a roach for a mommie?" Well I do and it's somthing I can't do nothing 'bout Except to kill all the roaches I see when I'm out Except I can't hide my yearning for tight, sticky places And when I do something wrong, I don't leave no traces I hate roaches (x3) And I think that I would rather have roaches than a boss man telling me what the fuck to do      FLORIDA BUS Today I bought me a ticket to a place I always wanted to go Where time is different- It isn't really fast or slow More like it isn't there at all I'm gonna sit back and watch shit grow Down in Florida Let the money flow Down in Florida, I'm gonna bet upon the dog race there If I win I'm gonna buy me some clothes And if I don't, I don't really care I don't care if I was living in a shopping cart Or if I was a billionaire I just hate being caught in the middle like this I'm strangled by desire there I bet you money's evil I bet you it is just a joke on us Slimy paper that is crawling with germs - That's why I'm on this fucking bus Because Florida has Everglades And thong bikinis And hand grenades I don't mind chopping wood And I don't care if the money's no good Rock      BOWLING BALL There's a bowling ball On the back seat Of the killer's car When he turns to the left It rolls to the right And when he turns to the right It rolls to the right It was a gift From his ex-wife Lisa (Did I mention it was a gift?) It's a cloudy and blue Like heaven above And like heaven It's redemptive It always does what's right Watch what happens when the killer brakes for the log truck parked in the road ahead: Well, that log truck may be there And maybe it isn't See, the killer is tired He's been driving all night Still he hits the brakes That bowling ball's gonna rise up and kiss him Kiss him in the back of the head And rive him out through the windshield Straight to hell      SHE CAME ON THE BUS I was nine the first time I saw slime covering you Just like glue It was a man I'd never seen before He headed for the bathroom door - That left you You didn't know what to say Dad was out of town on business that day From that moment on, I always hated you Until she came on the bus I was thirteen, well-read but green and a thousand shades of blue I plunked my ass in biology class The buzzer sounded In walked you I tried to hide underneath my coat You took your beauty and you shoved it down my throat When I got home, I tried to write you a note And she came on the bus I was in hell when the Liberty Bell rang - it felt swell I was stuck Cramped nut - No fuck - Pudding never seemed to jell So you showed me everything I'd missed Should I be happy, or should I be pissed? Was that a kiss-off, baby, Or just a kiss? And she came on the bus      7 DAYS I saw you Sunday at the liquor store (x2) The store was dark but still you tried the door Monday, I saw you on the water slide (x2) You looked like you wanted a better ride Tuesday, it occured to me you were a motherless child (x2) Dancing by the freeway with your hair all wild Wednesday, I saw you down by the stream Hypnotizing bassholes so they might dream Of beaching themselves upon your muddy thighs Thursday, I saw you leave the library (x2) I guess you must've gone inside to take a piss Friday, I saw you at the center dance Rumor circulating you had ants in your pants I saw you Saturday all snug in bed (x2) Visions of sugarplums all in your head      FOR THE RIVER There's a river that runs by my window The color of yesterday's shit More ochre than brown There's a landfill in town And this river runs right through it The trees that line its banks, They form a canopy a million shades of green The perfect place for drinking and thinking And doings obscene It's where I live I used to drink and drink 'till my head would swell and start to sink I was a big ol' pickle head Then one day I drank from the river Once I started I could not quit It purified my pissing the way it purified my shit What would have happened to my liver? What would have happened if not for the river? The river flows into a river into a gulf into an ocean I used to try and date pretty women Until I met the one who'd be extra special to me It did not take me long to realize these women had designs on my mind that were not very healthy to me She always wanted presents... What to give her? What else could I give her except to the river?      SWIMMING BLUES The ocean's deep and the ocean's wide You can swim but you can not hide I can outswim any tide And if I drown, I can say I tried It occured to me while I was drinking You got all your ideas without ever thinking St. Paul had some bad ideas Well, here comes my ferry now - I guess I'll see ya      VIRGINIA VALLEY BLUES Dance, Hubert, dance Dance for your rock now Let's see you dance with your pants down Tell me how much you want it Scream how much you need it Running naked through the town (Chorus) Down in my valley in south Valley The devil, he's been playing too long a whle Jesus Christ was not in evidence During my sister's murder trial All the little darlings carry the tec-9 They'll shoot you for some potato chips They shot a white man and got away scot-free 'Cause the sheriff, he's more scared than we are Back in the old days Before the sunrise I used to walk these streets and sigh All the little cabins, they looked just like mansions God used to live in that moonlight Down the end of Main Street There is a blood stain Where my cousin was shot between the eyes I had to scrub it off with ammonia To keep away the flies      JACK AND THE KING'S NEW GROUND Summer day Jack woke up at noon to hear his mother say: "You're 24 - it's time you got yourself some work" So Jack walked a mile Started getting tired and commenced to cry Until he ses this wall - seven foot high and made out of solid gold It was the King of the World's A garden being tended by a gold-haired girl She says, "Come on and climb- Hop the fence, honey, I want to make you mine" Princess was fine Finest girl he'd seen in person in a long, long time Then Jack's smile turned to frown King come around the corner and he looked Jack up and down He says, "You like the girl? Well, You can have her, punk, but first you gotta do some work" Jack says, "what is work?" King says, "I just want you to clear a little dirt But have some supper first You ought to be done by dinner time" Jack thinks that ain't bad Until the princess whispers to him not to trust her dad "That plot's a million acres wide and covered up with oak trees about a mile high" Jack says, "What if I don't get done?" "Then Daddy's gonna shoot you with his golden gun Like all them other boys Daddy's gonna stuff you and add you to his toys" Jack says he has to take a crap Sits down on his toilet and puts on his thinking cap Then Jack asks to use the phone He calls up the White House, asks if Nixon's home Says, "Hey there, Tricky Dick- I got some Commies here - you better send the Air Force quick" Jack commence to hum Then the sky fills up with lightning and his work is done King says, "What the fuck?" That million acres is smoother than a baby's butt Jack, he just grins Says, "I guess tomorrow I'll start moving in" King starts to cry Jack says, "I guess I get the castle when you all die? Jack's got a lot of luck And a lot of important friends who don't give a fuck      GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS The cutest girl I ever knew, she was a cricket (x2) She used to chirp and chirp and chirp and chirp when she would lick it The smartest girl I ever knew, she was a spider (x2) She had eight long arms she used to get me inside her The sweetest girl I ever knew, she was a canary (x2) She used to sing to me in a voice like Mariah Carey The smoothest girl I ever knew, she was a robin (x2) When she got a worm her big brown head be bobbin' The shiniest girl I ever knew, she was a tuna (x2) The way the sunlight spangled off her goonas The biggest party girl I knew was a grasshopper (x2) As I recollect she was the one who turned me on to poppers The dumbest girl I ever knew, she was a snail (x2) I once convinced her Liberace had a tail The prettiest girl I ever knew was a human (x2) I saw her once and I never saw her again      (GONNA WRITE ME A) LETTER Today I tried to write me a letter, left the pages blank (x2) Wasn't nothing to say So I threw the paper away And i went to the toilet and I laid a shit and it stank Yeah, it stank I'm gonna write me a letter, baby, mail it in the air (x2) Ain't no wind in summer time That short-haired girl has blown my mind And where she blows me, baby, I don't care I don't care I'm gonna write me a letter, baby, mail it with my first (x2) I don't want no loser girl I want you or I'll stop the world I've been mistreated too long and now I'm pissed Yeah, I'm pissed ALBUM: -Long Way Blues: 1996-1998 (Matador Records). All words by Don Howland.      OR WAS IT JUST A DREAM? When you did that go-go dance in the parking lot It felt like I was there Did I really kill my wife, Or was it just a dream? It felt like being there Purple is the color Of her lover's pubic hair If you would only smile, You'd look just like my dream      SHE SHIMMY WOBBLE She shimmy wobble in a field She's got four bananas peeled Three ripe but one's a dud She shimmy wobble on the moon Until the 31st of June When she comes back down to collect her check She shimmy wobble in an oak Until the top brank broke Bust her butt she did not care She shimmy wobble in a pine It happens all the time Red needles all in her hair She shimmy wobble in a Chevy Parked high atop a levee Skidding down all through the mud She shimmy wobble on the bank Man, that shit sure do smell rank All mixed up with piss and blood      LONG WAY BLUES We was out there in a field sort of playing Just having fun Law come with their bullhorns blaring Saying, "Don't try to run" I'm a long, long way from Ohio Two white horses in a field prancing Out in a field If I told you twice, I don't feel like dancing Not at all I'm a long, long way from Ohio Down in Louisana where the strange girls glow I've been there - I know How they glow I would've visited you but my car got towed I ain't go no money And my car got towed I'm a long, long way from Ohio      LIGHTSWITCH Baby, through every window pane A soir, through your window pane The lightswitch - here you come again Can you come again next week? I loved you - your tits and arms Je t'adore - your tits and arms Once I held them for hours Can you come again next week? He poked it for half an hour I poked it for half an hour We poked it 'till our mouths went sour Can you come again next week? Hey baby, with your curly hair And your cigarette breath You like to scare me half to death So come on pretty baby Open up your eyes Let me reach into the center of your mind You bought yourself a one-way ticket to love the day you opened my mail You bought yourself a one-way ticket to love the day you painted your nails You bought yourself a ticket      AFRODITE Afrodite, your hair bushy black The love in your brown eyes Is stronger than crack Why visit this slave boy? To reach in my pant? To show what I can have Or to show what he can't? Born of Uranus' Castrated schlong Your magic girdle Has inspired this song I saw you and Hermes In a field of flowers I reached for my staff and I held it for hours I'd wrestle the manna Away from the gods Though I might pause to stare at Their heavenly bods I'd wrestle Apollo In an arena all nude The loser to Hades The winner to you      KNOCKED OUT ON MY LAWN Knocked out on my lawn Of this house that I own The nieghbors all drive past and they leave their headlights on Passed out on this grass Blades cut in my face Big slugs right beneath my cheeks You hear the chewing sounds they make And everybody wants a little girlie action Knocked out on my lawn Bugs crawling in my hair Flies slide across my eyes You know they like the moisture there Passed out on my grass Hearing crazy things inside I wish that I could run and hide - except I can't I'm knocked out on my lawn And everybody wants a little bit of girlie action      JOAN DARK Joan of Arc Her face impassioned Burning at the stake in my lap How can I ever fall asleep now? How could she fall in that trap? She's like a painting Of a girlish card sharp Rendered in deep chiaroscuro I like her haircut I like her armor And her hubcap diamond-star halo She smiled at me The smile went through me The smile went through the ceiling Deep down I know I have no idea What Joan is feeling Her boyfriend Gilles Became quite ill At the death of his virgin girlfriend If there's a God -and who doubts there is one?- How could he let her meet that fiery end? So he asked the devil For gold from gravel And thought that he got him an answer Except, there is no devil And those boys he tortured Only served to satisfy his cancer A picture book Beneath the covers Beauty is a regular mystery When I leave, I hope No on discovers My passion for Medieval history      ANGEL OF DEATH The only justice is an eye for an eye And a tooth for a tooth That's the way God said it should be So that is the truth So you can save all your bullshit Save your breath I am your angel of death The mistake you made could be measured in ounces An extra two drinks or three But when you crossed that median strip You took my family from me So you can save the bullshit Save your breath I am your angel of death Don't bother whimpering Don't try to sing "I'm sorry" don't mean shit to me I am your angel of death First thing I did was To blow off your kneecaps So that you couldn't run Then I line up your family And I shoot them down One by one And you can save all your bullshit Save your breath I am your angel of death      TURPENTINE Some folks like water Some fucks like wine Me, I like the taste of turpentine It tastes like a mixture Of good living and dying What was the good Lord thinking when he made turpentine? You got those things you like to do And I got mine Some fucks like shackles Some fucks like twine I prefer a bathtub filled with turpentine Here comes a sailor She says, "He's mine!" Watch her lube her pussy with some turpentine He casts a foot-long shadow Across the rear part of her mind His protection melts like butter in the turpentine She says, "Poke me with your pitchfork Imbed each time Then wash out the wounds with some turpentine" He likes to eat some melons He even eats the rinds Washing down the hard parts with some turpentine Yes, I think you're pretty And, no, I'm not lyin' My judgement isn't clouded by turpentine You got your things, baby And I got mine Sometimes I think my lucky number Is number 49 Hey, my friend here needs another shot of turpentine When I breathe my last breath Build my casket out of pine Then embalm my body with some turpentine